A mothers connection

The warm moonlit night came with a cool breeze flowing over the rooftops. I sat supported by the asphalt shingle, my arms wrapped my knees, my neck tilted and my eyes fixed to the full glowing light in the sky. I love sitting on roofs. I often stared into space contemplating how small I was. I would wonder the purpose of something so minute in an opening so magnificent. I would think of my family and my history. While replaying memories of a loving mother and innocence of youth, a lump would appear in my throat.

This particular night by the moon, my eyes were hypnotized. The man in the moon became my mom. I could see her face plane as day repeating, "Come home, come home. Eric, Come home." I could see the emotion in her eyes, as the pain of loneliness filled her face. Over and over her lips would repeat the phrase.

I can remember thinking about why and how is this happening. Was it the drugs? Was it real? Was it a connection of mystery? Was my mom a witch and casting a spell to speak to me? Whatever the case, it was nothing to fear. I just fixed my eyes as a hug afraid to let go. As embracing a long lost family member in a dream, I wanted to hold on to the moment as long as I could. I cried and told her, "Soon."

I recently asked my mom about this. She reminded me of the song Adele sings "Lovesong" Here is a copy of our conversation.

Hey mom. Did I ever tell you about the night you spoke to me through the moon?

Don't leave me hanging!

One evening I was sitting on a roof staring at the moon and stars. I was thinking of you and Peyton. You appeared in the moon and kept saying "Come home, come home, Eric. Come home."

I stared, wondering the why's and how I was seeing this. I couldn't be scared. It just was. I chose to embrace the moment. I missed you and felt connected. I told you I loved you.

I never knew and still don't know how it happened. I don't know if it was just "the drugs" or if it was you being a part of me speaking to me manifesting out of me. There is definitely more to life than we know. I don't know if science can study something like that.

I do know that my love for you can't be measured. Do you remember when I sent you the song by Adele "I will always love you"? I would listen to it and cry. Maybe that was a part of my love that you felt.

If you get a chance today listen to it through my ears as I was missing you

I remember you telling me to listen to it while I was in Florida

When she says "whenever I'm alone with you" it was meaning to me when I was alone in my memories and mind thinking of our times together and just you and I was thinking about.

I wondered about that

I blocked you out in everyday life when you were gone because I had to. I would have fallen to pieces and not been able to survive.  I had to be as happy as I could so Peyton could have happy memories. I used to tell Peyton that you and his mom were missing out..not us cuz we had so many other people who love us. And we would list them one by one. When I listened to that song I was alone and it was therapy for me. I could cry from my gut and send you my love. I would sing with her and get it all out. Then I'd wipe my tears and bury you in my mind. It just hurt too much to carry that pain every day.

I'm pretty sure this was why you saw me in the moon

And when she says " however long I stay" to me it meant however long I stay on this earth..as long as I  live. And when it was no vocals just music playing my mind would run through our fun times when you were with me. When I was your mommy and could laugh and play with you and kiss away your boo-boos.

Many of my recollections are stamped thoroughly with insanity which I must digest to really appreciate a reality of sanity. It shows also that sometimes our inaction can be action. There are forces at work all around us. I don't need to pretend my past was drug induced. I don't need to run from it. It has allowed me a glimpse into a reality that is much more vast than many of us could possibly imagine.  

Lesson Learned:
There is so much to life we don't understand. Why try to explain it all? We mustn't be afraid of the unknown. Live in the appreciation of the majesty of what is. Embrace the wonder of what we have a privilege to experience and lend our awe to the inspiration of our creation. 

The BA2L is real,
Be Addicted to Life.
Eric (Airek)


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