My current relapse
I am now 5 years clean. Something like that. I mean I know my clean date. I don't focus on it though. I don't view my life through a lens that I am damaged or broken. I don't look at my trait of addiction to be one of all bad either. It isn't to me a disease which can never be cured. I also do not argue that it is or isn't for other people. What I prefer to do is take responsibility for my life. I get it. You know the concept that we are powerless. Especially while living through destructive addiction. I know the feeling all to well. You know what though? After years of reflection it comes down to this. It wasn't until I was willing to do WHATEVER it takes to change. For me, that was turning myself into jail and taking it seriously. It took a change of mindset and some divine guidance. It's a mutual effort. My pastor calls this grace driven effort.
I am now relapsing. As I am writing this I am expressing my self doubt. My self doubt which doubts my existence. My purpose. My worthiness to happiness. What if happiness is a curse? What if I don't want to live forever? What if there is no good or bad? What if we are just a science experiment? Why am I here? Who is working against me? If there are spirits, good and bad how do I know the difference? What does wolves in sheep's clothing mean? How will I know? How am I supposed to compete with spiritual beings who have been on Earth since Noah's day? Why should I even care? I mean really? This is my relapse.
Recovery, relapse, recovery, relapse.
I am a child of God. I am a vessel for his love. I am an instrument of love. My mission is to lead many to righteousness. My mission is to save lives. I am here for certain for something bigger than me. I am. A son of God. Just be me and let God work through me.
Here it comes....
What about God? What do I know of righteousness? If I go back and visit history is there a such thing as righteous? Or does that only come after survival is secure? And what about life? All life matters. What about when this concept is what inevitably destroys all life? Whose life matters then? What about eternity?? Like I said earlier, do I really want to live forever? FOREVER???? Maybe I'd rather hit the reset button. How can I in 100 years, make a decision that turns 100 into infinite without even being able to imagine what that even is? Am I really so ignorant to this? What if in this ignorance leading others to righteousness is leading them to a not so nice space? What if in my ignorance I am the wolf in sheep's clothing?
Just calm down. You know love. You know what is before you. You know you like kindness. You know that you admire people who make a difference for selflessness. You know you feel bad when you do wrong. You know you have a relationship with The Cause of Creation. You consistently ask Him for Truth. You know you are genuinely curious for what is right. So then to you there must be a right and wrong for the situation which is before you.
TRUTH??!!! what is this truth? I mean how many people are like me who just want to know what it is? And look around me. DIVISION AND DIVISION. How can righteousness be divided? How? For real? I mean even within Christianity, division. Within paths to a life of right living, Buddism, Islam, Hindu, Judaism. Really? If there is truth in all of them how can there be one truth? I am just curious. I am not angry, I just want to know? Why argue about which good is better? How can we in our limited time and understanding honestly look at all of this and know without a doubt, and in complete faith say that what we chose is the only right answer, and all the others are wrong? Can it be only our own ego and need for certainty that say we are right and they are wrong?
Just focus on righteousness. Just be kind and impartial. Be patient. In the right amount of time all will be revealed. First focus on your own refinement and quest for purity and let everything else work as it does.
What does purity even mean? Never letting words catch me in a lie? Speaking with constant qualifiers? I'm running out of room....here come my shallow breaths. Just leave me alone. Leave me alone. Why can't I just be me again? Who am I?
You are who I am.
The BA2L is real,
Be Addicted to Life,