Truth found in incarceration.
This exploration for the true Eric required inquiry into the core compartments of this creature. On the surface, Detective Dilley found spoken values of family, and of love, and of God. What noble values one might think. After more investigation into the impressions of his life in rewind, there intertwined was a realization that these memories did not reflect the values he spoke superficially. He was living a lie.
I wanted to believe I was a good father, a good person. I wanted to believe that the life I was living was worthy of one of God's sons. I remember I used to keep my money in a little bible. One evening I was so messed up when I went into a gas station, that on my way out I heard the clerk say "Can you believe how messed up that guy was? And he kept his money in a bible." One thing I will say though for sure, is that no matter how bad my life got, I never blamed God. My son needed me, and I wasn't there. My decision. I needed God and He was there, and with His guidance I am where I am today. I may not have been a "good person" but I do believe I had a good heart. I think many addicts and parents of addicts know exactly what I'm talking about here.
The beginning of wisdom is the first moment we become honest with ourselves. Without being completely truthful internally, we can never really develop our character. Development requires knowledge of where we are strong, and where we are weak. With this new awareness we are able to embrace, we are provided the opportunity to confront own our weaknesses and fortify them, while using our strengths constructively. This awareness began in jail; and it was in rehab that I was given the second key to growth.
I had a dream about this rehab before I arrived. I actually walked up to the exact place in STAR that my dream had taken place. The painted white metal stairs leading up to the loft style floor above looked very familiar. The stairs had green foot plates, and a landing half way which redirected them to a floor overlooking the rest of the rehab. While I stood on the bottom level looking into the landing, I knew I had been there. I was supposed to be there. I had to take advantage of this time. Most of my journal entries during this part of my life refer to what I was studying at the time. Anywhere my curiosity guided me I studied. Eastern Philosophy, Fitness and Nutrition, Benjamin Franklin, The Art of War, The Bible, How to write poetry. The second key to growth is curiosity.
Obsession can go two ways. Constructive or destructive. With a healthy mind we become curious to the world around us. Filled with childlike curiosity we begin to ask questions, and more importantly seek answers. Eventually when our gift of obsession latches on to that thing that steals our attention, we have found a new passion. For me it's a mix of virtue, and of fitness. Self-Mastery.
With the two keys of growth, honesty and curiosity, we can enter through the door of wisdom which will give us a new awareness of self, and the second door of passion which can lead us to where we never work another day in our lives.
It seems then, that with truth comes growth. We mature and develop into a person whose actions are inline with our values, and all the while, our immature questioning in awe of everything around us is rekindled. Together they may lead us to the cause of our creation. Our true-self. Our truth.
The BA2L is real.
Be addicted to Life.