The first death of a wife.

My life was cut with a double edged sword. The curse I once lived has been made a blessing once relived. It is incredible to actually be able to observe the uncanny power of our beliefs and minds first hand. When we believe something with out a doubt, there are no limits our minds will not go to make its reality our truth. It wasn't until after I wrote this that I realized the extent of this fact; We can become a prisoner to our environment when we allow it to shape our beliefs. 

There are many ways that my experience experienced in variety, leave interesting stories of my reality. For instance, being homeless for a while, in Columbus Ohio, during the years behind 2009 or 10, somewhere around then. 

Often drug substitution, causes mass confusion. From heroin, to bath salts, my reality shifted from the depressed mess of numbness, to the exciting world of underground societies of sex, and trafficking.

Heroin at times felt like purgatory. An endless cycle of sleep- pain-chase-numb-repeat. Bath salts were a streamline, a highway into the underworld. I lost my sanity in this city. This society was not kind to my mind. I was plagued by superstition, lies and deceit. To this day I don’t know what was real. My soul they tried to steal.

“The underground passages through the Intown suites on Bethel Road concealed the movements I could sense but not explain. Our room was in the center of the building. We were on the second floor and in the center of the hallway. Our window overlooked the parking lot below. All of our belongings made our room feel like home. All of the necessities were met. The room we kept dark for the most part. This is the setting of my first experience in life, of the death of a wife.

My wife at the time I knew was part of something she was not allowed to explain. I wish she was allowed to be honest. She was trapped in a situation and her heart screamed to tell me the truth. Her eyes, numbed with pain were unable to shed a tear. All of her anxieties were realized when she became trapped in this life. I knew she loved me. It’s the only explanation possible for why this was happening to me. She would never with intention, take me this far from heaven.

A good friend Adam was with me the night filled with death and fright. The unspoken connection of love filled my mind with her voice. Adam and I were in my room and getting high. The higher I’ve became, the more clear reality was around me. All of the unseen could be felt. The majesty of the realm of spirituality reigned king, ghostly movements all around me became conscious.

“Can you hear that?” I said to Adam. “Can you hear her?”
“Where?” He replied curiously. 
“Over here, listen.” 
“Is that Heather?”

With our ears to the floorboards, we could hear her words and more. She was speaking directions to the secret doors in the floor. Her breath began to get louder. Then there were sounds and pounds then the scratching of nails. More and more pressure ensues until her breathing became panic. Her directions turned into wails.

“Get me out babe! I’m stuck in here! Please, oh my God, BABE oh my God, I’m so sorry!” 

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” I threw the refrigerator from one end of the room to the other. The floors needed uncovered so I stripped the carpet from the tack strip. “Babe! Hold on! HOLD ON!! I'M COMING!” I pounded my fists to the floor; her panic made me manic. My tears were matching her fears. All of our love, all of those years. Gone. With her last breath I grabbed Adam and buried my face into his his chest.  While hyperventilating, he soaked the sweat and tears from my face. He's just waiting. With my voice cracking while being consoled by him I said, "She's dead. She died in there."

To which he responded compassionately, “Let’s go see if she’s at work Eric." “She’s not there. You heard her.” 

We walked through the hallway, down the stairs, out the door and across the street to the Dairy Queen. There she stood working in safety. Was it really only me and the drug?

Upon return to the room I was face-to-face with the disaster I left from the hereafter. I shook my head in complete disbelief. Still my heart was filled with grief. My brain was full of pain. How long must this madness reign?"

Looking back through a time of tragedy as this, still I am in state of strange disbelief. I really lived through this experience. I made it out. This wasn't even the worst of it. I don't know how to express in words the seriousness of the realness experienced here. She died. In the core of my being I felt it. I sobbed. The doubt I felt when I saw her at work sent my mind looking for some sort of explanation. It would have to make sense of this experience. And so I elected to believe there were multiple Heathers, and they worked in shifts. 1st. 2nd. and 3rd. All with their own personalities. 

The next few months after this night I became more and more suspicious to everyone and thing around me. My mind created many new reasons for why my life was the way it was. Anything other than the drugs. From signing my life away to a documentary on addiction, to jumping through strange dimensions of time and space to live in one of the infinite other bodies of "Eric". Today I can see how the power of belief really is, absolutely, awe inspiring. There is nothing in this world more powerful than belief. When we undoubtedly believe something is real, our minds will manifest all the evidence it needs.

Lesson Learned: 

"When we command what we believe we become the masters of what we see." 

The BA2L is real,
Be addicted to Life.


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