Showing posts from January, 2018

The first death of a wife.

My life was cut with a double edged sword. The curse I once lived has been made a blessing once relived. It is incredible to actually be able to observe the uncanny power of our beliefs and minds first hand. When we believe something with out a doubt, there are no limits our minds will not go to make its reality our truth. It wasn't until after I wrote this that I realized the extent of this fact; We can become a prisoner to our environment when we allow it to shape our beliefs. 

There are many ways that my experience experienced in variety, leave interesting stories of my reality. For instance, being homeless for a while, in Columbus Ohio, during the years behind 2009 or 10, somewhere around then. 
Often drug substitution, causes mass confusion. From heroin, to bath salts, my reality shifted from the depressed mess of numbness, to the exciting world of underground societies of sex, and trafficking.
Heroin at times felt like purgatory. An endless cycle of sleep- pain-chase-numb-repea…

Truth found in incarceration.

"Truth. The truth of the matter was that I despised the disguise that all my deceit had developed. Realize though, that the falsehood I am referring to is not that of external lying to family, but to the duplicity of self."

While incarcerated...
The crimes committed created a sleuth to uncover the evidence of truth. On the case, none other than Detective Dilley. He entered the messy mind of a mischievous and virtuous young lad who had become addicted to and manipulated by alien substances. As he walked through the corridors of his cranium he found all that makes up a person. Memories, beliefs and values.

This exploration for the true Eric required inquiry into the core compartments of this creature. On the surface, Detective Dilley found spoken values of family, and of love, and of God. What noble values one might think. After more investigation into the impressions of his life in rewind, there intertwined was a realization that these memories did not reflect the values he spok…

Self pity, Personal misery.

I love looking back though the kaleidoscope of my past. Many memories were documented which would have long been forgotten by present feelings of bliss. When I read my thoughts and relive some of the feelings of my past it is humbling. It reminds me of how far I have come. It also fills me with compassion for all the people still traveling down this dark and frightening trail of their journey. 

 My son heard me reading this poem out loud; so I explained to him that in life we all go through dark times. We feel confused. We feel crazy. We feel alone. My hope is that for him and whoever else that comes by this will know that we don't have to stay there in this pattern of thinking. As long as we keep moving and fighting, things eventually get better.
I don't think this way currently. Though it still isn't easy by any means. I don't feel as alone anymore. Most of all I no longer feel I have to hide my past. That really ended when I started this blog. Granted I always told pe…

The Vision of who I wasn't.

After spending a decade descending until destitute I arrived at the realization I didn't know who I was anymore. The person in the mirror had been erased. I didn't recognize my face. 

Drugs were my purpose. I was now purposeless. My words worshiped feelings of intoxication. I became speechless. My thoughts formulated plans fueled with deception; and when my lies were finalized, my identity couldn't be verified. It was then I was left with the first of many questions. One that would lead me down a new road of life. Who am I?

Here I was locked behind walls and keyed doors with limited options. I was now residing in a body I didn't really know. Which, I must say, is the perfect starting place. How many of us really know who we are? With all of the options we have outwardly in society, it's easy to become distracted from the person who we really are inwardly.

Like I said in "The Detox" there were the three actions, the three necessities and the belief that I was…