Broken femur, Tramdol and a notebook

You know it’s crazy looking back through the looking glass of our lives. Journaling has enabled me to write down how far my mind has been bent during these peak times of stress in my life. One fateful March afternoon destiny struck suddenly like the sound of thunder. Nope, that sound was my femur snapping. That wet March afternoon I fell off Mount Pleasant and my life was catapulted again into a new yet familiar fantasy of pharmaceutical dependency. It was now time to put rehab and my training traumatically to the test. Thankfully the seriousness that I studied shined through, and despite the debilitating effects of temporary handicappedness and cloudy consciousness I came out on top! I have no qualms with sharing these past thoughts of over three years ago. This journal entry really illuminates the struggle I have had with depression, racing thoughts and yes, shame. Enjoy.
"I think I am losing my mind sometimes. I’ve become so detached from everything that nothing is real. It’s really a strange thing. First, it always starts out with racing thoughts. Usually negative thinking like, "I hate myself" or "I don’t want to be here". 
I look around and see people absorbed into their own world. Everyone is doing the same thing a different way. Surviving. All beings here are surviving. Living is something different I think. Here we are supporting our own, and other peoples dreams. Why? In the end we all die and make room for more of us to come. 
I once read something which I took very personally for some reason. It read something like this. "We will see whether he will first kill himself or man." Now, I will say I am in some kind of illusion of controlled electricity, where through the coercion, planned options, and controlled environment that shape my choices, reality is rarely real. Most of us are soulless. Those with souls are, see I’m rambling now. Trying to make sense of the insensible. 
Maybe I should just try being blunt. I’m put into a game where nothing is real. A few people know the truth and these people are part of the filmmakers crew around me. They come in and out of my life here in there. All for some sick twisted brand of reality entertainment for someone who can afford it. 
...Or the drugs have fucked up my head so bad that I am now mentally ill. 
...Or I have died already and I’m on a cleansing mission to rid sin out of my life and give back what I’ve taken to restore balance for my spot I’ve taken. 
...Or the only way to heaven is through this game of followers. How many followers can you make determines your spot in the next game. 
What other ways have I thought life as? 
Oh, that the Bible is a book of two gods and a story of demons and angels vice versa. Everything is backwards and really were supposed to break all the commandments because Moses just had to make law to keep his new followers in order. 
So my view of reality is twisted. I have been pushed over the ridge of sanity. And I'm climbing my way back up, only to find that I’ll never see things the way I used to. All this time that I am fighting with the torment in my mind, I may look as if I am lazy, I may look as if I am at peace. Trust me I’m not. I enjoy sleep now. Because I don’t feel a whole lot. My dreams are usually fragments of different movies I observe from inside someone else’s body. Just watching, not feeling much. This is all showing up in me now that I’ve broken my leg. Now that I am back on my pills. Tramadol. 
When I look into the past of my memory, I remember things much more positive. CrossFit. Being active. Making friends. 
OK, just now, I was writing, and a little flying bug thing flew from my palm. I’m saying that, as this happened, the first thought in my mind was that my body is decomposing and I’ve already died. I’m already in a dream and while bugs are decomposing me they are making their reality into this dream that I am now living. I know fucking nuts right?! 
When one is stripped of faith and what is real where can one put their faith? What caused the stripping? Drugs, death, or new knowledge? So big questions lots of questions. 
Fact 1 - Guilt has me in chains. 
Fact 2 - The Bible said that those who have died experience shame for the first time.
So does that mean that we are living in a world that has multiple deaths? Living and living?
I didn't want to try and write this so I just took a picture.

So I guess I need to learn to live again. The things that the depress me I should probably stay away from. Just saying. 
1) physical Inactivity = laziness         2) Desire to live like I used to
I go through this SHIT all the time.  You see I just don't have my "why". That inside knowing this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't usually hit my goals. I am totally inefficient. 
So here I am looking for my why. What am I supposed to do? No that's not the right question. HOW AM I GOING TO MAKE LOTS OF MONEY?? 
Now this is my problem. When I start to think like this I feel wrong inside. I am a charitable person. I just need enough to live.

Okay what am I going to do?"  

Wow what a wonderful world! Wild right? Being the passenger of our racing thoughts can be terribly tragic. It is better to have the wheel in our hand and navigate the best we can. Complete honesty with ourselves I feel it is one of the most healthy ways of dealing with these terrible times. Even though these trippy thoughts were years ago, remnants of them can still transmit into tomorrow. However, I’ve found that negative thinking isn’t bad it’s self. It’s reality. It is our choice to dwell there though. To sit with thoughts tragic or to walk past; leave them in the past. It is best to acknowledge them with a nod. To say "Hi how are you." And then make a plan on what to do. As for the game of shame, I learned to look at it as baggage. At the end of my life I can only get on the plane with a small carry-on. I cannot check any.  If I can't check any imagine the struggles I’d have getting through the airport! Let alone security!

LESSON LEARNED: Don't sit with the negative, walk through it. And remember we don't need to always know where we are going but its nice to travel with as little baggage as possible.  

The BA2L is real,
Be addicted to Life,


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