My last shot of crack.

I'm in the airport bathroom. My last piece of crack is in my needle, then injected into my vein. With beads of sweat, 1/2 dollar eyes, and a pack on my back, I stroll to bag check.  

This is the end of the old me and the beginning of a new me. It is said that at any moment we must be able to sacrifice who we are, for who we are to become. Here is the story of my living sacrifice.

"Is there air conditioning in here? Jeez." I'm thinking, with ice cold drops of sweat coming from my brow. These people have to know. Who cares if they know. It's not going to change anything. Just chill." 

After getting my ticket and looking for the line at my gate I realize it is empty. I begin running. No joke, I was the last person to board. Perfect timing. I got to the plane.

Just getting to the plane was a task. A tremendous one. You see I really wanted to get clean with my ex-wife. I wanted her to come with me. She didn't have an ID so we went to the BMV. It was packed. The plan was to get her ID, then buy her a ticket to fly home with me. At the BMV we were taking turns shooting crack in the bathroom. Once I realized I wasn't going to make my fight, I called a cab and and made the decision to leave her there.  I was done. 

This moment was a strange one. I felt no love here. I once wrote, with pride, about how a couple can share love for each other and their drug. That I still believe is true, yet with time comes distance. And once there is enough distance one usually is chosen over the other. She chose the drug. Or, the drug wouldn't let her go yet.  Once on the plane I pulled out my pad of paper and I began to write. This is what I wrote. 

"Huh… A deep sigh-- and that I conceived is just the beginning. The Florida saga has reached its tipping point. Finally I am a aboard Americas Eagle Airlines  en-route to the State of Ohio, my home in a little town named Buckeye Lake. Well I cannot call it a home yet. My son is there, I have not seen him in near close to four years now. Can I bring my family back together? Can they once again look past previous mistakes? Will we ever acknowledge our flaws as perfection? Can we bond together with the epoxy of love and trust? This is the answer. Maybe anyway.… Florida… The realm I delved into chewed me up and vomited me out. Perfectly! Ever think about vomit? The word itself is fitting to say the least. However, I ask you, who taught you how to vomit? Think about it. Really it’s kind of important. Now is it possible to even teach someone how to vomit? Vomiting, puking, ralfing, spewing, blah!!! Florida vomited me, alone. 

Love, a divine drug of the morning stars. I arrived with good intent and my wife, my best friend, my lover, my drug of choice. Honestly things were going well. Movies, drinks, bars, even good company. Our first good friend we met was an interesting fella named Austin. Real talk, long dirty blonde hair, with a great Scott Marty! type hair style. His complexion, red. A permanent skin tone from living in the trees all day. A previous tree cutter now welder in training, he became the personification of a Florida beach bum. I miss Austin. I often wonder if he finished his welding school or if his addiction overcame him again. We met Austin at Safeharbor, a huge homeless shelter. If you’re reading this Austin do you remember the one Legged bird we took a picture of our Freedom Lake Park? I still have that picture. I would definitely have to say he was the highlight of Safeharbor.
Inside Safe Harbor

I guess I should probably tell you about, well, now the hole in my heart. The part which is in constant shadow. My fulcrum during my years of extreme balance. My period of the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. My companion that stuck with me through my brilliance. Spurts of divine understanding, nothing short of genius, and through the wings of legendary madness, the maximum capacity of true folly. And also those moments which held these extremes together, the short lived moments of the truest love. The most potent form of the divine drug shot straight into our hearts causing our eyes to radiate light toward one another when there is no doubt as to how much love we share. These moments are what I crave. My wife today I left in Florida. We love each other, or I mean I love her and she is a great actor. The most logical or rational answer is that the drugs are controlling her. She is possessed by them. Can we control the drugs? I wonder if a man had such control of self, and if he could control the drugs, if it’s reaction would result in a more efficient human being. Anyway back to my wife. She is short, beautiful and has many faces. I guess that may be the best way to describe her. She can never (to me) look ugly; inside. The beauty inside her is as a black light. A light that has been tinted. A light that is shining behind a black fabric. I am going to leave her for now. However I am sure I have more to tell you."

Things have changed since this letter. They have changed immensely. Remember what I earlier wrote about distance? Well time and distance have either a way of either clearing things up or distorting them. Whichever has happened to me, things are not viewed the same as then. 

My wife and I are now divorced, though we are good friends. I still believe that her light is bright and that, thens veil of darkness has been lifted. I believe she has much to share and even more to give the world. Her story can save the lives of many, should she choose to share. 

We both realize that those chapters have ended, and that our books will still have each other entering and exiting periodically, at exactly the time in which we are needed. We are okay with this, and anticipate the circumstances. 

Today I am in a very happy and fulfilling relationship with my girlfriend and have a baby girl on the way. We work well together and challenge each other in ways that are truthfully  difficult. Most importantly, we believe in each other. And us being together, I believe, is influencing us both to be better versions of ourselves. I love her. I trust her. That in it's own right, is huge. Some of the upcoming stories will shed some light on to why this is so difficult.

Lesson learned: No matter how much we want something to be true, like wanting to get clean with a loved one, sometimes it just doesn't happen. In time however, when we are able to look back more clearly, we may see the design constructed for us is so much better. 

Thank you again for reading. Comments or questions are always welcome. P.S. A special thank you goes out to Deb Beaver and Hope without Dope in Lancaster for buying my plane ticket to bring me back home.

The BA2L is real,
Be addicted to life.



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