I know I usually like to post things that are positive and uplifting. I want this blog to be real though. I value transparency so I think it's important that I share what's real in my life.
I am generally a positive person. Some might say I am the most positive person they know. But I have days where inside I am going through it. I fake it on the outside like I have it all together while inside I feel like I'm losing it.
The leading culprits are, by far suspicion, doubt and perfectionism. I assume they are ingrained character traits developed from my crystal meth addiction. It's tough.
I at times am suspicious that things aren't always what they seem and that the people around me aren't the authentic people they portray. Realistically they have no reason not to be. Unless this is just a big movie #trumanshowsyndrome
I doubt my abilities. I doubt reality, I just doubt in general. It's the opposite of faith. Being so, I pray for increased faith nearly every day. During these time I must be confident in my effort. I know that I give A LOT of effort into what I do and I care about doing it well. This however leads right into my perfectionism.
Perfectionism is by far the biggest issue in my life. This issue constantly plagues me. I wan't things done a certain way. I need them to be done well. If they aren't done well I doubt my abilities. If they are done well I fail to recognize it and am critical on how I could have done it better. During these times I must look back at how far I've come and remember that because of my high standards I am growing. Though it sort of feeds into my need for affirmation and then the circle of doubt continues.
I have a constant need for affirmation. Sometimes I feel like a child. Am I really doing a good job or are they just saying it because they care about me? Do these people really enjoy being around me or is it just a requirement? Thinking this way makes it very hard to live in the moment. During these times I must remember these affirmations are evidence that people care regardless of the motivation.
Back in STAR, the rehab I went to, they stood on 4 values. Structure, Therapy, Advocacy, and Restoration. All of what I deal with would fall into the value of Therapy or, the science of right thinking. I actually did a report on perfectionism and it's near inevitable crash course with depression.
I learned to analyze my thoughts. What belief or judgment is manifesting this feeling and/or thought. At least then I can stop any paranoid actions. Or severe depression. It is tough during the day. Usually something snaps me out of it. My girlfriend helps a lot. Something else that helps me is Structure.
I am a very take it in stride kind of guy, and I NEED my structure. Something flexible even. I NEED routine. I feel productive and I feel good when I am becoming a better me. When my actions are going somewhere, even slow, it is better than going no where fast.
When it comes down to it, at the end of the day I have to keep going with faith that God knows what He's doing and that everything is going to be okay. I have to remind myself of the evidence of all that is good around me. Even if it is tough. This struggle is mine and I'm sure many people have the same feelings.
When it is all said in done I wouldn't want to leave the lows behind. I learn from them. Just as a heart beat has rhythm when it has life, we do. When a heart beat has flat lined, its life has been removed; and I am addicted to life.
The BA2L is real, Eric