Showing posts from October, 2017

The mysteries of meth and masquerades

You know, when I look back into my history and see these memories chard in the ashes of the old me - I feel pain, excitement, and anxiety. All of this is going to bring to the  sober surface the emotions I once numbed living fast and going nowhere. I thought things didn’t hurt. 
I wonder though if every detail reminisced will be accurately acquired through the somewhat mystical wires of my mind. It’s like, do we remember the event, or the memory of the event? I guess it’s a good thing that I wrote a lot back then and saved a lot of journals. 
In the future tales of my past, I solemnly promise to be as objective as possible. What I mean is that for some reason during these incredibly outrageous moments of madness, I honestly remember how crazy and irrational these thoughts and circumstances were. This prevented me from making headlines as the other crazy bath salted man in Florida. 

I left off my last letter at the twilight of my new life. Ever think about the beauty of twilight? Sunsets …

My last shot of crack.

I'm in the airport bathroom. My last piece of crack is in my needle, then injected into my vein. With beads of sweat, 1/2 dollar eyes, and a pack on my back, I stroll to bag check.  

This is the end of the old me and the beginning of a new me. It is said that at any moment we must be able to sacrifice who we are, for who we are to become. Here is the story of my living sacrifice.
"Is there air conditioning in here? Jeez." I'm thinking, with ice cold drops of sweat coming from my brow. These people have to know. Who cares if they know. It's not going to change anything. Just chill." 
After getting my ticket and looking for the line at my gate I realize it is empty. I begin running. No joke, I was the last person to board. Perfect timing.I got to the plane.
Just getting to the plane was a task. A tremendous one. You see I really wanted to get clean with my ex-wife. I wanted her to come with me. She didn't have an ID so we went to the BMV. It was packed. The pl…

Define your battles so they do not define you.

In the popular show Dragon Ball Z, when a near death experience or even death occurs they become even stronger. 
"How many life-or-death battles have you been through? After all, Saiyans get stronger when they're on the verge of death. You keep getting stronger, too, so you must've nearly kicked the bucket any number of times, right? I've also nearly died... or should I say, actually died a number of times, heh heh heh."
— Goku talking about Saiyan Power with the Saiyan Future Warrior in Dragon Ball Xenoverse 2

Everyone given enough time alive encounter battles during our time here in our experience of life. The battles are all unique to us designed specifically to get us to become stronger versions of ourselves. Many times we do not understand exactly why we go through these tragedies. I have a strong inclination that hind sight truly is 20/20, and at the end, things will be fully explained. It's like watching a good movie and trying to predict the ending. W…

What is Life trying to teach you?

Yesterday in Toastmasters I gave this speech I titled "What is Life trying to teach you?" (I changed the title from "Pop quiz! Ahh Crap.) Our beliefs need to be empowering. One of my beliefs is, Everything in life is designed for our improvement. This design is set up in the form of lessons and tests. In this speech I explain how I came to this realization after an "aha" moment in the woods of Tampa, Florida. Then how we can learn the lessons to pass the tests.  Enjoy the speech.

In summery, essentially God is trying to teach us through the patterns we live through in life. He wants us to improve and it is through the classroom of life we are being taught. If we don't pay attention in class we won't understand the lesson and we will stay in the same grade. If we are to move on to the next grade we must pass the tests. So some tests are more life changing than others. Like in my life, the transition from drug addiction to rehabilitation. Other times our …

My Demons

Ever feel like this guy lives in your head??

I know I usually like to post things that are positive and uplifting. I want this blog to be real though. I value transparency so I think it's important that I share what's real in my life.

I am generally a positive person. Some might say I am the most positive person they know. But I have days where inside I am going through it. I fake it on the outside like I have it all together while inside I feel like I'm losing it.

The leading culprits are, by far suspicion, doubt and perfectionism. I assume they are ingrained character traits developed from my crystal meth addiction. It's tough. 

I at times am suspicious that things aren't always what they seem and that the people around me aren't the authentic people they portray. Realistically they have no reason not to be. Unless this is just a big movie #trumanshowsyndrome

I doubt my abilities. I doubt reality,  I just doubt in general. It's the opposite of faith. Being so,…